The moment I became a mother, something beautiful and terrifying happened simultaneously—I gained the most important role of my life, but somewhere in the sleepless nights and endless diaper changes, I lost sight of who I was underneath it all.
If you’re reading this and nodding your head, you’re not alone. The question “Who am I beyond ‘Mom’?” is one of the most common yet quietly whispered concerns I hear from the women I coach. It’s a question that carries both guilt and longing—guilt because we love our children fiercely, and longing because we sense there’s more to us than what we’re currently living.
The Identity Shift That No One Warns You About
Motherhood doesn’t just add a new role to your life; it fundamentally restructures your entire sense of self. One day you’re Jane, the marketing manager who loves Sunday morning yoga and spontaneous dinner dates. The next day, you’re “Mommy”—and suddenly, every decision, every moment, every thought revolves around this tiny human who depends on you for everything.
This shift is beautiful and necessary. Our children need us to be fully present, fully committed. But somewhere in that sacred surrender, many of us begin to disappear. We stop using our first names. We cancel plans. We put dreams on hold “just for now.” And before we know it, “just for now” has become years, and we’re staring in the mirror wondering where we went.
Here’s what I want you to know: This is normal. This is common. And this doesn’t make you ungrateful or selfish.
Signs You’ve Lost Touch with Yourself
- You introduce yourself as “Jackson’s mom” instead of by your name
- You can’t remember the last time you did something just for you
- Your conversations revolve entirely around your children’s schedules, achievements, or challenges
- You feel guilty when you have thoughts or desires that don’t involve your family
- You’ve forgotten what you enjoyed before becoming a mother
- You feel invisible when you’re not actively mothering
- You look in the mirror and think, “I don’t recognize this person”
If any of these resonate, take a deep breath. You haven’t lost yourself forever—you’ve simply buried parts of yourself under the beautiful, overwhelming responsibility of raising human beings.
The Journey Back to You
1. Acknowledge Your Grief
First, we need to acknowledge that it’s okay to grieve the woman you were before. This doesn’t mean you regret becoming a mother—it means you’re human. You can love your children deeply and still miss aspects of your pre-motherhood life. This isn’t contradiction; it’s complexity.
I remember crying in my car one afternoon, not because motherhood was hard (though it was), but because I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had finished reading a book I chose for myself. That grief was valid. Yours is too.
2. Start Small, Start Now
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life to reconnect with yourself. Start with small acts of self-recognition:
- Use your first name when introducing yourself
- Spend five minutes each morning journaling about something that has nothing to do with your children
- Listen to music you loved before becoming a mom
- Wear something that makes you feel like yourself (not just comfortable)
- Complete one small personal goal each week
3. Excavate Your Buried Dreams
Get honest about what you’ve set aside. Not to create a list of regrets, but to understand what parts of yourself are asking to be revived. Ask yourself:
- What did I love doing before I became a mother?
- What dreams did I postpone “until the kids are older”?
- What skills or talents have I stopped nurturing?
- What would I do if I had a day completely to myself?
4. Create Non-Negotiable “You” Time
This isn’t selfish—it’s strategic. Children need to see their mothers as whole people with interests, dreams, and identities beyond caregiving. When you model this, you teach them that they too are allowed to be multifaceted.
Start with 15 minutes a day. Protect it fiercely. Use it for something that feeds your soul, not your to-do list.
5. Reconnect with Your Body
Motherhood changes our bodies, but it doesn’t have to disconnect us from them. Your body has done incredible things. Start treating it with the reverence it deserves:
- Move in ways that feel good, not just ways that burn calories
- Dress your current body with love and respect
- Practice gratitude for what your body has accomplished
The Ripple Effect of Reclaiming Yourself
Here’s what happens when you start showing up as a whole person again:
Your children benefit. They see a mother who is fulfilled, not just dutiful. They learn that adulthood can be rich and multifaceted.
Your relationships improve. When you’re not completely depleted by giving everything to your children, you have more to offer your spouse, friends, and community.
Your parenting gets better. When you’re connected to your own joy and purpose, you parent from overflow instead of depletion.
Your confidence returns. You remember that you have valuable contributions to make beyond the walls of your home.
Your Identity Is Expanding, Not Shrinking
The goal isn’t to go backward to who you were before children. You can’t, and honestly, you wouldn’t want to. The woman you’re becoming is richer, deeper, more compassionate than the woman you were before. She’s learned to love unconditionally, manage chaos, and find strength she never knew she had.
The goal is integration—bringing all the beautiful parts of who you’ve always been into conversation with who you’re becoming as a mother.
You are not just a mother. You are a mother AND a dreamer, a creator, a leader, a woman with gifts the world needs. Your children don’t need you to disappear into motherhood—they need you to show them what it looks like to be a whole human being who happens to also be an incredible mother.
Your Assignment
This week, I want you to do one thing that reminds you of who you are beyond your role as a mother. It could be as simple as listening to a podcast that interests you, texting an old friend, or spending an hour on a hobby you’ve neglected.
When you do it, pay attention to how it feels. Notice the parts of yourself that light up. This isn’t indulgence—this is remembrance.
You haven’t lost yourself, beautiful one. You’re just ready to be found again.
